Sleep Loss Soliloquy

There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep.

                                                               - Homer

     Tonight I stepped outside to get some fresh air and looked up into the sky.  High up in its quicksilver throne sat the moon, its gaze magnified by a gossamer curtain of light.  The analytic wing of my brain chimed in with a litany of useless data on lunar halos, but I quieted the stream of peripheral data and just let the diffuse light filter onto my retinas. The image held a detached nocturnal charm that seemed to accentuate my recent lack of sleep. 

     Sleep.  Blessed, blissful, wonderful sleep.  Mother’s milk. A full harvest in a time of famine.  The storm that breaks the drought.  It is the drug of choice here - assiduously avoided because of the neverending chain of missions, but always craved. If rarity is the measure of a substances worth then here in Iraq, sleep carries a price beyond words.  There is no more precious moment in my day then the sublime instant where my mind flickers between consciousness and the dreamworld.  In that sliver of time the day seems to shimmer and melt like one of Dali’s paintings - leaving only honey sweet dreams of my other life far  from Arabia.

   I don't always dream at night, after going too long without rest the empty spaces in the day fill with thoughts about my wife and our quiet corner of California with an almost obsessive regularity.  But to actually picture those scenes I still have to close my eyes, I can’t seem to summon pictures of home while my eyes are focused on the rough lines of our graceless camp.  The contrast between the two images is just too great. 

     Sometimes those unbidden snapshots move me back in time to moments that slipped past unnoticed.  Moments that were bleached of their essential power by familiarity and predictability. Moments that, looking back through a time wise lens, appear as lustrous as jewels.  Although the snapshots are brief they illuminate an uncomfortable truth - their absence has left a sliver of my heart as silent and dark as a long vacant room.  And the lights won't turn back on for quite some time. 

Comments

[Tony]

T6, Again, another great posting. You continue to have one of the finest blogs of any soldier in the field. Thanks for keeping those of us in the Puzzle Palace honest. We could use more troops like you to keep our heads on straight. Keep your powder dry and stay low.

[Phoenix]

I've been addicted to your page.. and I cut and copy the entries for my guy in Iraq... I think it gives him some soul food.. and something to read that's both, direct, honest and lyrical. It's relative and articulate.. intelligent and comprehensive. There aren't words to thank you.. the best anyone can do is recognize you all for what you're doing.. and if only for a brief moment, every day.. acknowledge the precarious freedom that has been deliberately secured for us by our soldiers. I can't wait to get over there.. if only to do my part. Take care and drive on... but I'm sure no one has to tell you that. Phoenix

[devildog6771]

Wonderful story! Now, lay down and pull up your blanket! Close your eyes and repeat afater me: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take! God bless my wife, my kids[?], my friends and family. Keep things calm enough for me to get a good night 's sleep lord. Thank you, Amen There, now youmought to get at least 5 hours, lol. Thank you for your service! Take care!

[Subsunk]

T6, It may seem like it takes forever. But remember, even this shall pass away. You'll be so busy, you'll be home before you know it. Take care and Press On. To Victory. Subsunk

[toni]

As I was ready your beautiful essay I thought about my ONE night of 2 hours of sleep. I normally don't dream but I'm in the process of preparing my house to sell and in those 2 hours I dreamt among other things of water running down the walls and basically my house imploding. Lucky I don't have to worry about real exploding objects!

[Andrea]

Beautiful work. I'm sitting here at home, with my cat purring at me, the tv on my favorite channel and my computer opening the world to my eyes. If only I have the wit to see. I phoned my mother a little while ago and grumbled that my cellphone battery was about to croak. I complained about the troubles of moving to a new apartment. Of all the extra hours I have to work because my boss is taking an extra long weekend starting tomorrow. Then in a moment, reading this blog, I'm reminded how very different the rest of the world is. So what if my cat just threw up on the carpet. At least I'll get a good night's sleep. I don't have to worry about suicide bombers, rockets, and insurgents. Or what I'm going to eat. How I'm going to get it. I get up tomorrow morning and know I'll likely be alive by the end of the day if I don't do anything entirely dumb. I feel like a useless slacker. Thank you. I needed that kick in the butt.