Pushing On

The best way out is always through.
                     - Robert Frost

     Grief has hit like a sledgehammer these last few days, leaving deep gouges in the collective memory of our battalion. A lifetime of anguish, bravery, loss and regret were compressed into a handful of days. I haven’t been able to chronicle the events in anything more then a cursory fashion because at some point my emotions slipped away, blanketed by a insensate numbness. Like a patient that has just been pumped full of too much novocain my psyche feels detached - as if that feeling, sensing part of my being has been somehow blunted. 

     In many ways it feels like some armored bulwark has slammed down to mute the inchoate rush of emotion. I know that this slipshod form of mental triage will eventually fade, so I don’t feel the need to forcibly cast it off. To do so would be akin to scratching a scab off the puckered edges of a fresh wound.

     I will not forget our honored dead, someday when I am safely ensconced in the familiar I will grieve properly, in a way that is fitting for so painful a loss. But for now I’ll accept the stilted range of emotions I’ve been left with and focus on the missions at hand. To do anything less would be courting disaster.

Comments

[jaws.DFK]

What is a slipshod? I have lost a friend in the past. I didnt feel as sad for him because he was drinking and wrecked a car. It blew up with him still inside. dont get me wrong I still feel bad, but unlike your case it was his fault.

[devildog6771]

Thunder 6 I can't begin to express to you how sorry I am. I also know that right now nothing anyone says will help ecept to let you know we are there for you. JT was right about PTSD. I have it. Your blog will help you a lot but please make sure you get some info on it! I know how I have felt since Mike died. If I could take some of your unto myself I would gladly do so. God Bless you and your fellow soldiers. I will pray for you all and the families of your lost buddies.

[Kat in GA]

I agree... in time,once you are safely home, you WILL be able to grieve and recover... the numbness is, as you said, a protective mechanism. Although (as I'm quite sure you know) the grieving/healing process will NOT be easy by any means...you've beent thru hell and it will be a lot to work thru. May be overwhelming at times. But don't give up and keep working thru it... I've learned there are two forms of pain in life ~ the pain of staying the same, or the pain of getting better and changing/recovering... the latter is infinitely more healthy and productive. (OK, so there are more than two types of pain in the world...but I couldn't think how else to phrase it, LOL). Anyway, we are all here for you and are praying for you.... we appreciate all you do.

[April Shah]

We are praying for you. My sister went through this only on a smaller scale and the same thing happened to her. She just kind of shut down emotionally. I am sure when she gets home it will be rough. Just as it will be for you. It will be one of those bittersweet moments. While you, and her as well, will one day be glad to be home, there will also be a part of you that will wish that the fallen soldiers could walk off the plane with you. Just remember that "This to shall pass"! Things will get better, keep your chin up and keep pressing forward! Thank you for everything you have done! We will be praying for you and the rest of your unit and those units also affected by these losses!

[Michael Weening]

Your writing stirs many emotions and I cannot fathom what you, the men/women around you are going through - nor what the Iraqi people are going through as you duck and weave an enemy that is cowardly. I am not from the US, and I never did agree with Bush going to Iraq - but for those of you there, I hope it ends soon. The SGT you speak of will be remembered by those who he touched, but that is too few. Yours is the ultimate sacrifice, that has been given many times before, to heed the call (without question). That call has been put out many times before, many of my countrymen (Canada) died on foreign soil protecting the freedoms that we all enjoy today - all warm and snuggled in our homes, our biggest worries centered around the size of our Inbox or the weekend's goals. I hope that the US and Iraqi's can find a solution soon, so you lads can come home.

[Lenny]

There are many here behind you, we will always support you. Remember, your friends will always be with you.Stay safe, friend.

[J. T.]

Pushing On... I know how you are feeling as I've been there. I pray for you. Please take a few minutes to research Post trumatic stress disorder. It took me a few years to understand that PTSD was causing me so many problems and early intervention would have been so helpful. As you have said so well "someday when I am safely ensconced in the familiar I will grieve properly". Understanding PTSD will help you with that grieving process and start your own healing process. God bless you and keep you. Semper Fi

[Yankee PaPa]

HOPE... At first, so faint a stirring in the breast- A cooling touch that quiets mad desire, And lifts to lofty heights of peace and rest The troubled heart with its impassioned fire. But cherished, it becomes a mighty force- A light illuminating the darkest way, A guide unerring on an unknown course- The steadfast Sun that gives each night its day.. Unknown Author.. My heart is with you all..Semper Fi..

[Suellen]

The human psyche is a marvelous thing, isn't it? When all around you begins to be too much,it does seem to shut down processing until a later date when you are more able to handle it. I think some people begin to think that they aren't really grieving their loss or that they won't EVER be able to feel anything again. You seem to have a good understanding of it. You will be able to grieve all your losses and become whole again someday. I wish we could help you but it's such an individual thing. Your grief will come back to you in pieces only big enough for you to handle at the time.

[StevenC]

Our thoughts are with you every day.

[lometa]

Frost says it best. This March my uncle died he was 80 and a WWII veteran. As a part his funeral those of his military unit the US Army 66th Black Panther Division 264th who survived him honored him. It was an awesome sight to see these noble veterans remember him and a comfort to know that he and his fallen comrades will never be forgotten. God speed to your comrades. Keep pushing.

[David]

FINAL INSPECTION The Soldier stood and faced God Which must always come to pass He hoped his shoes were shining Just as bright as his brass. "Step forward you Soldier, How shall I deal with you? Have you always turned the other cheek? To My Church have you been true?" The Solider squared his shoulders and said "No, Lord, I guess I ain't Because those of us who carry guns Can't always be a saint. I've had to work on Sundays And at times my talk was tough, And sometimes I've been violent, Because the world is awfully rough. But, I never took a penny That wasn't mine to keep. Though I worked a lot of overtime When the bills got just to steep, And I never passed a cry for help Though at times I shook with fear, And sometimes, God forgive me, I've wept unmanly tears. I know I don't deserve a place Among the people here. They never wanted me around Except to calm their fears. If you've a place for me here, Lord, It needn't be so grand, I never expected or had too much, But if you don't, I'll understand." There was silence all around the throne Where the saints had often trod As the Soldier waited quietly, For the judgement of his God. "Step forward now, you Soldier, You've borne your burden well. Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets, You've done your time in Hell." ...Author Unknown

[MBDonaldson]

I feel a rush of adrenaline as I read your writing. Wishing I could help, feeling helpless and trying to begin to understand just a little of what is happening. Just remember Thunder 6, even though separated by distance we're behind you and thinking of you and all those who fight for our freedom and wellbeing. Keep the faith!

[Amber and Family]

I'm sorry about everything that you and your men have to go through to let all of us civillans sleep well at night. We love you and have you and your men in our prayers everynight. There is really no words to describe how thankful we are of u and your men.

[MrMeat]

Thank you, Stay strong...

[Arlene]

Just to let you know that we care.. and you are in my prayers.

[Kat in GA]

Thank you for sharing your world with us. {{hugs}} You remain in our thoughts and in our prayers, always. I love that Robert Frost quote you chose...it's so true. Keep pressing forward, don't give up ~ we are all here, behind you 100%!!!!! We appreciate you and we are proud of you. You remain in our prayers. {{more hugs}} Kat, Jeff & all 4 kidz

[heidelberger88]

I'm so, so sorry. God bless you and keep you safe, thunder6.

[kathi]

I'm amazed at the way you are able to express your emotions, as raw as they are.