Clarity

      In the last couple days I’ve sat up awake, staring into the empty darkness and waiting for dreams to take me far from this barren land. I wish I could say that my insomnia stems from something noble, like an earnest reflection on the ebb and flow of fortune. But it isn’t the larger questions of mortality that have kept me up lately, its something far more personal – I’ve lost a coherent portrait of life back home. That may sound like a small thing, but memories of home have been my phrenic umbilicus to better times and places.  And somehow the loss of all the subtle mental details seems to stretch the distance between Iraq and California to a shade under infinity.

     If there is some consolation it is that I can see some things with perfect, almost brilliant clarity. The clearest of memories involve my beautiful wife. The way her shimmering hair cascades onto her shoulders. Her glittering eyes, and her wide and perfect smile. The way she would neatly arrange her hair brush next to the sink. Even things ancillary to her seem to burn a little brighter, as if her lilting presence somehow dignified details that otherwise would have been lost.

     But in a way those perfect snapshots only highlight all the other details that seem stretched and pale. When I try to remember everyday scenes from back home it almost seems as if I’m peering through a rain fogged windshield. At first I was convinced that my memories were falling victim to entropy, as if the arid environment could somehow shift neurons in synchronicity with the tides of blowing sand. But the more I mull over it the more I’m convinced that the problem isn’t a matter of systematic degradation, I simply failed to appreciate the little things.  Instead of recognizing each day as precious I assumed I would be there to watch the next dawn, as if my mortality were somehow preserved through willful ignorance. Rather then revel in the raw splendor of just being alive and aware I was eternally fixated on some future destination that never seemed quite so important once it had arrived. My only consolation is that the time I spent with my wife snapped me out of that empty self absorption and left me with memories as clear and deep as a mountain lake.

     Looking at the contrast between memories makes me loathe the careless way I used to move through life, and reaffirms a lesson I have learned here in Iraq.  Both danger and potential lay curled in every passing moment, we have only to watch with keen eyes for their fateful silhouette. Maybe that level of attention is impossible to maintain for any significant length of time.  I guess I’ll just have to see.

Comments

[Chad Fisher]

Holy crap. Man, you made me cry. I can only imagine how it would be to be away from "life". I hope you and your wife are reunited very, VERY soon.

[Kat in GA]

Wow...thank you for this post... as always, your eloquent words leave me nearly speechless. To echo what others have said... to learn to cherish every second of life is a wonderful gift... one that i need to pay more attention to culitivating in my own life!!!!!!! Thank you for this poignant reminder.... Anyway, I know you aren't from Georgia, but I thought you might like a little "virtual tour" of this great state of mine (I figure, it's at least a change of scenery, if only very briefly!). anyway, hope you enjoy your "virtual mini-tour"...hang in there... we are extremely proud of you and pray for you always!!!!! North Georgia Mountains http://georgiamagazine.com/outdoors/mountain/ The Georgia Coast (St. Simon’s Island) http://www.stsimonsguide.com/ The Great City of Atlanta http://www.atlantaentrepreneur.com/atlanta_photos.htm Stone Mountain, Georgia…the world’s largest chunk of exposed granite! http://www.stonemountainpark.com/photo-video-gallery/default.aspx

[Yankee PaPa]

..Funny thing 6..recalling when I first was "in-country" all those years ago..The first month was the most difficult..then something happened..My first confirmed KIA..that was about all I remember..What ever there was before that was gone..At that moment in time this place was all I knew..It was like That was my only purpose in life..Then one day I was told I would be leaving..To where..??..This is my home now..This little piece of jungle..My Marine 'buddies' are my family..That was all there was..no beginning..no end..It seemed strange and it took a long time for that to pass..I think today you need to stay focused to keep your mind from wondering around on you..You have a wife..That's great..Too bad you can't just take a long well earned shower and wash away all that has happened in the past year or so..I think the secret is washing it away one layer at a time..Then over time..it will become a distance memory..But in the meantime..Be Happy..Don't forget what it feels like to be alive..Semper Fi..

[Gypsy]

If there is one thing in life I've learned from my friends who serve it is to never take even the smallest of moments for granted. From watching a sunset to sitting in a traffic jam to watching innocent kids frolic and play to the simple act of taking a shower with real running water. I think of all of you so far away...and how you may, at quiet moments, reflect on those same things. Each day that passes brings you closer to home T6. May God continue to watch over you and your Soldiers and bring you all home safe and sound.

[Susan Colebank]

So you can always see the dawn... http://www-cdr.stanford.edu/~petrie/Easter-05/LargerImages/19-true-dawn.jpg We're thinking of you.

[Jean]

Here's some pictures of a place in central Texas. Not quite California, but closer than where you are: http://mercuryranch.org/photo.htm Hang in there. You're doing a great job, but it gets tough toward the end of the tour.

[C]

Love your wording and thougts as usual. Thank you for continuing to share with all of us.

[devildog6771]

How well I remember that stark revelation. At the time it hit me I felt so empty inside, and at the same time like life was just so damned hard. I asked my doctor about the feeling. I was so overwmelmed by it! His reply confused me at first but gradually fell into place. He said you are no longer just existing, you have now decided to take control and responsibility of your own life and destiny. In your case you hit the bottom fisrt. But you came back on your own. You will never be in that place again be cause you are stronger than you ever realized. Now remember this, when the good times comes enjoy them but don't get cocky. They will pass. When the bad times come, don't berate yourself or wallow in them. They too will pass. The goal in life is for the good times to come more frequently and be longer in duration and the bad times will be shorter and less frequent. As I have lived my life since that day, worked on my PTSD, raised my kids alone, and dealt with my nephew's death, I see every day he was right. I reflect on what he said often and thank God I had him in my life for a short time to help me find my way. I hope these ancedotes help. If they don't, let me know and I will not take offense. But I will not put them here.

[David]

The warrior as poet still lives. As we move through life there comes a time when we realize that our own mortality is a very real possibility. The ancient Japanese warriors, Samurai, realized this and it is this realization that life is by its nature fleeting that they valued the beauty in life and the cherry blossom became a symbol for their lives. Beautiful and short lived the blossom comes upon us in the early spring but lasts but a few weeks, the impermanence of the blossom is what makes it so beautiful for them and it epitomized the beauty and shortness of live in general. For most people in this world, life is a permanent thing. No one thinks of their life ending on a daily basis, but for soldiers this truly a daily occurrence. I believe what you are experiencing is the conflict in your mind between the permanence of life and the realization that life is truly impermanent. From this point on live life fully, taking nothing for granted and revel in this enhancement of your senses and live completely in the fullness of each moment, especially those that come tomorrow.

[Joe]

T6 - Each day you are one step closer to home. Don't forget that every day is a gift, even in the middle of Iraq. Use each day to make a difference. From where I sit, you're doing exactly that. Take pride in yourself, we take pride in you.

[Lou]

Sometimes I run my fingers over my husband's chest and think, "I want to remember the feel of him - always - I want to absorb this moment and carry it with me." My memory has never been tested as yours has, but I keep practicing.

[Pam Smith]

Wow. You have a great talent for writing. Thank you for everything that you do! My family and I will be praying for you! God Bless!

[Huntress]

The warrior's journey teaches him many lessons, and offers him many gifts. To have learned how to truly be alive,and be fully awake in each moment of your life,and to live completely in the fullness of that moment, may be the greatest gift that you'll have received from this very challenging year in Iraq.

[RipRip]

Damn you can write, stay safe you'll make it home.

[Holly Lisle]

I've been saving sunrises. Linked here: http://hollylisle.com/writingdiary2/index.php/category/personal/sunrises/ They aren't Californian, but they are closer to home than where you are. Maybe they'll help a little.