Dude, You Blew Up My Car

     As our patrol came to a close we turned onto a narrow road that has grown infamous in our small sector of Baghdad. The road itself is rather unremarkable, a narrow two lane spit of asphalt that bisects leathery fields as dry as straps of beef jerky. What distinguishes this particular route isn’t so much the road itself, nor is it the adjoining fields - its the tortured strips of dirt that parallel the road itself. In another time and place you might refer to these areas as shoulders, or maybe even emergency lanes. But not here. Here they straddle the road like pregnant vipers, their sandy wombs swollen with explosives. These barren strips of dirt are virtual moonscapes, they carry dozens of cratered wounds, each marking the searing birth throes of their explosive offspring.

As we sped down the road every eye was focused on these bitter strips, as though the intensity of our gazes could somehow paralyze their initiation. A sudden deceleration brought my attention back to the road itself, and when I looked up I noticed the lead vehicle coming to a dead stop. Before I could call up the lead vehicle SSG Rock crackled over the net “We got something up here”.

     Up ahead there was a small crowd of Iraqis so engaged in a verbal exchange they were utterly oblivious to our arrival. I clicked on the vehicles PA system, passed it to my interpreter and had him call out to the crowd. As soon as the amplified words washed over the crowd they seemed to snap out of their conversation and started slowly walking toward our vehicles. That was a good thing, if they were insurgents they would have immediately fled like scalded rats. As they made their way over we had them slowly pirouette to prove they weren’t wearing explosive vests and having checked them through binoculars we let them approach. As they came up to the HMMWVs they descended back into the same heated exchange they had been engaged in when we arrived, and it took almost a minute to get the story out of them.
 
     Apparently each of these drivers had noticed a suspicious vehicle sitting in the road which they believed was a VBIED, and their argument concerned which one of them would have to check it out in order to continue past the obstacle. When I heard this I started to laugh - the fact that there was an alternate route less then a mile away seemed to escape all of them. We got them quieted down and then focused our binoculars on the alleged VBIED. The vehicle was a run down white sedan that looked utterly unremarkable… except there were wires hanging down from the undercarriage. That alone was enough to raise our suspicions, and we immediately started cordoning off the area. The drivers seemed annoyed that they would have to make a detour, but we ignored their protests and quickly bustled them off back down the road. As we were sending them off a young Iraqi came forward and calmly stated that he was the owner of the possible VBIED. For a minute I thought that would be the end of it, but the drama was just beginning.

     The man who had approached us was indeed the owner, he had the vehicle identification to prove it. The problem was that his vehicle had been stolen the night before, and though he didn’t get a good look he was certain they were part of the AIF. He seemed more embarrassed about the situation then anything else, but he made it imminently clear that he wasn’t going to get anywhere near the car until we checked it out.

      As this was all unfolding the rest of our patrol had split off to the cardinal directions and started stopping traffic from moving through the possible kill zone. Just about the time our last vehicle was in position we placed the call over the net for EOD assistance. We explained the situation in a few clipped transmissions and once the information had been passed up a voice came over the net and said “So this guy knows we are going to blow up his car… right?” There was a long pause as the translator passed the message to the owner, and an even longer pause as he considered his options. Then the owner shrugged his shoulders and agreed.

     As we were waiting for the EOD team to arrive the conversation quickly turned to how much explosives would fit in a VBIED that size. Some of my troops came up with an impromptu calculus, attempting to decipher the compression of the springs and use that as an indicator of just how large this rolling bomb might be. Others threw caution to the wind and just pulled a number out of thin air. Still others tried to visualize the size of the trunk and then mentally extrapolate how much explosives it would take to fill that volume. All the guesses differed, but there was general agreement on one thing – none of us wanted to find out firsthand. 

   After a bit the EOD team linked up with our perimeter security on the other side of the vehicle, and after a few minutes the call came over the net “the robot is going in”. Alone the bomb robots are little more then an armored mass of circuits and servos, but in the hands of the EOD techs they seem to take on a life of their own. From my vantage point  the small robot seemed to bob and weave around the frozen car like it was a metallic scavenger snapping at its next meal. After a few minutes of probing the robot made its way back and a voice came over the net “We can’t see any explosives, but there is unidentified wiring. We are going to blow it”. As the call went out I heard a excited voice shout in idle joy, I was only mildly surprised to realize the sound had come from my lips.

     After the explosives had been prepared the robot started its long trek back to the VBIED, pulling a large sled of explosives behind it. SPC Sparta was in the turret, and the additional height gave him the best view of the preparations. The next conversation went something like this:

T6: How big is the charge?

SPC Spartan: It’s huge sir.

SGT Bard: How huge?

SPC Spartan: That thing is going to put a hole in the world. 

     At this point the air was thick with anticipation, it was like a giant dynamo was spinning up and charging the atmosphere with force. The conversation returned to how big we thought the VBIED might be, each person venturing their guess and defending it with a fervor usually left for the outcome of the next football season. As the arguments and counter arguments came to an apex another call went out “Charges are set, five minutes until controlled detonation”. As the call went out everyon

 

e piled back into the HMMWV, five minutes in EOD Land never seems to equal five minutes of real time. As we hunkered down in the HMMWVs armored belly everyone readjusted their helmets and double checked their earplugs, but the scene was far from grim. In fact everyone seemed to be boiling over with excitement at the impending blast. And then the final call went out… “fire in the hole, fire in the hole, fire in the hole”. There was a short pause, and then the air seemed to roar with primal fury, accompanied by excited whoops and hollers as the blast wave shot over our vehicle without injury. The VBIED vaulted into the air like a drunken gymnast, performing a lazy somersault before slowly plummeting back to earth. Scattered remnants of the car rained down for a few more seconds, and then we all jumped out to watch the aftermath.

     The EOD robot returned to the site to analyze the remnants of the car, and once it confirmed the site was free of explosive residue the EOD techs moved onto the scene to view their handiwork. The car had come to rest on its roof, and it lay there in the road like a crumpled bug stripped of its legs. Once the EOD techs confirmed the site was safe the cordon pulled inward to find out who had come the closest to guessing the weight of explosives. As luck would have it we were all wrong, the car wasn’t a VBIED. As one of the HMMWVs pushed the wreckage off the road SSG Rock handed the car’s owner a claims card he could use to receive compensation for his loss. The owner wasn’t even phased by his sudden loss, instead he thanked us for our help and asked if he could salvage the remaining pieces. We told him he was welcome to whatever was left over, and as we pulled away he was singing to himself as he used a tire iron to remove the wheels that hadn’t been blown off. As we made our way back to the FOB we were all commenting on how calm the owner seemed, even after his car was annihilated. SGT Bard was quiet for a few minutes and then said “You know what I think? I think that was probably a hell of a lot easier for him then just selling the car.” We all laughed, but he was probably right. Not only did the owner get reimbursed for the price of his car, he got to join us for a great show.

Comments

[devildog6771]

T6 you have again kept us on our seats until the final plug. You are such a gifted writer. I too had tears of laughter in my eyes. You know, you guys are probably right about the whole episode. God isn't the human spirit something. The survival instinct never fails to amaze me. Watch your six, God Bless you all. Again, thank you for your service and the sacrifices of your families.

[Navigator]

Nothing new there. Every time my ship pulled into a foreign port, every taxi in town suddenly seemed to have damage caused by sailors. The cabbies all knew that I could write checks for $500 without an investigation, so the amount of damage was ALWAYS $500!

[David]

Another award winning post Sir. And I have no doubt that your NCO was right. The Iraqi's have learned that they can get compensated for having their stuff blown up for free. Its easier to dispose of and they get new out of it. Who said they wouldn't understand the principles of capitalism and democracy.

[tmg]

Awesome story. Stay safe and God bless. You and your family remain in my prayers.

[Sean]

Of all the blogger I know out there (and I know most of them). You deserve a book. Great story!

[Kat in GA]

ROFLOL!!!! To echo what chad said, "So who was closest to getting the right on the charge amount?" And to that I add, "Did they get a prize?!" LOL! Good job, y'all...glad everyone is ok. :-)

[Toni]

For once a funny story and interesting. I got a charge out of you all betting the the amount of explosives. It's good to know there can be light heartedness and fun in desperate situations. T5 - that was fun to read. So much more fun than some of the really sad things you have to tell us. Not that I don't want the bad or sad, it needs to be told. It's just a relief for a change.

[Rich Greene]

I think in the midst of what would be a choatic situation something like this can happen and you can't help but laugh. I'm glad I came across your blog and it is a joy to be able to read news about our troops that is not all bad news.

[Anne]

Your blog is one of the most interesting ones I read. This post reduced me to giggles. Thank you! Please stay well and come home safe. You are in my thoughts. Anne (mom of an Airman)

[Tim Hearin]

I'm a 21 year old undergrad at Columbia University. I want to let you know that since I heard about your blog on the Daily Show (two months ago, I believe), I've enjoyed your every post. I think the military blog is a great medium of information. Thank you for your insights, poetry, and sincerity. Honest, creative thinking is something which too often lacks, even here at home. Will you write a book upon your return? It is strange, being in indirect yet sentimental contact with an American soldier in Iraq. Good luck. You are in my thoughts.

[Arlene]

He is one smart man!! He got the U.S. military to take care of his car + money to buy a new one!! LOL!! Thanks for the great story!!

[Sherry]

I read your blog daily, and most of the time I am moved to tears..today however, the tears were from laughing. I can just imagine the whole scene as you describe it and have enjoyed a really good laugh. Stay safe. God Bless

[Sean Decker]

Wonderful account! Thank you!

[MBDonaldson]

I can think of a couple of times I would have liked to blow-up my broken down car. This guy got the US to do it for him in grand fashion. Great story Thunder6, I really laughed at this one!

[Chad Fisher]

That is freaking hilarious. I know it could have been serious but that is stinking funny!!! So who was closest to getting the right on the charge amount?