If there is some consolation it is that I
can see some things with perfect, almost brilliant clarity. The clearest of memories involve my beautiful
wife. The way her shimmering hair
cascades onto her shoulders. Her
glittering eyes, and her wide and perfect smile. The way she would neatly arrange her hair
brush next to the sink. Even things
ancillary to her seem to burn a little brighter, as if her lilting presence
somehow dignified details that otherwise would have been lost.
But in a way those perfect snapshots only
highlight all the other details that seem stretched and pale. When I try to remember everyday scenes from back
home it almost seems as if I’m peering through a rain fogged windshield. At first I was convinced that my memories
were falling victim to entropy, as if the arid environment could somehow shift
neurons in synchronicity with the tides of blowing sand. But the more I mull over it the more I’m
convinced that the problem isn’t a matter of systematic degradation, I simply
failed to appreciate the little things. Instead of recognizing each day as precious I assumed
I would be there to watch the next dawn, as if my mortality were somehow
preserved through willful ignorance. Rather
then revel in the raw splendor of just being alive and aware I was eternally
fixated on some future destination that never seemed quite so important once it
had arrived. My only consolation is that
the time I spent with my wife snapped me out of that empty self absorption and
left me with memories as clear and deep as a mountain lake.
Looking at the contrast between memories makes me loathe the careless way I used to move through life, and reaffirms a lesson I have learned here in Iraq. Both danger and potential lay curled in every passing moment, we have only to watch with keen eyes for their fateful silhouette. Maybe that level of attention is impossible to
maintain for any significant length of time. I guess I’ll just have to
see.
Posted by: Chad Fisher | October 06, 2005 at 09:21
Posted by: Kat in GA | October 05, 2005 at 20:08
Posted by: Yankee PaPa | October 04, 2005 at 21:51
Posted by: Gypsy | October 04, 2005 at 19:18
Posted by: Susan Colebank | October 04, 2005 at 17:21
Posted by: Jean | October 04, 2005 at 16:41
Posted by: C | October 04, 2005 at 16:09
Posted by: devildog6771 | October 04, 2005 at 15:12
Posted by: David | October 04, 2005 at 08:09
Posted by: Joe | October 04, 2005 at 06:17
Posted by: Lou | October 04, 2005 at 06:05
Posted by: Pam Smith | October 04, 2005 at 06:01
Posted by: Huntress | October 04, 2005 at 04:22
Posted by: RipRip | October 04, 2005 at 04:19
Posted by: Holly Lisle | October 04, 2005 at 03:17